Through various websites, blogs, forums, panel discussions and soapboxes, Mr. Thursday has long advocated to a theory of his own origination: The Bulls-Eye Theory of Food.
The Bulls-Eye Theory is a simple one: for nearly every specific kind of food in the United States, there is a central location (a bulls-eye) where the comestible of choice can be found at its highest quality. The best lobsters are found in Maine; the best strip steaks in Kansas City; the best Maryland Crab soup in, that’s right, Maryland. Now, this is not to say that it is impossible to find a good lobster dinner in a restaurant in New Jersey, rather, it’s far more likely that walking indiscriminately into a seafood restaurant in Bar Harbor, ME is far more likely to yield positive results than using a similar absence of discretion in seafood selection in Sea Isle City, NJ (though if you should find yourself in need of buttered crustacean in Sea Isle, Mr. Thursday enthusiastically recommends Busch’s for both the quality of its dinner, and for the unintentional comedy of the Wednesday night patrons upon hearing a middle aged suburbanite crooning out covers of 1950s pop songs).
The theory has faced many challenges in the past, in the form of various skeptics inquiring as to specific foods that they imagine to have a broader appeal, and thus no, or perhaps many centers. Mr. Thursday, as is his nature, listens to these arguments and then crushes them with the swiftness and certainty of Britain’s defeat of Zanzibar over 100 years ago.
The most common of these counter-arguments is pizza. A food which, the claim goes, has found peaks in New York, Chicago, California, and elsewhere. To dispute this, we look to define these foods. Chicago is distinctly thick-crust, while New York is the traditional Neapolitan while California features the “artisan” pizza which Mr. Thursday generally disapproves of, since this fallacy is almost always, in fact, bland pizza overstuffed with toppings to hide its inadequacies. Even Philadelphia has a pizza bulls-eye of its own with tomato pie which is hardly found outside the area, and not nearly with the frequency or quality found within.
Mr. Thursday applauds the regional nature of food—in a rapidly globalizing world, many people no longer take pride in their hometowns, and food’s refusal to get with the program is worthy of note.