The worst part about that headline is that it doesn’t give you any insight into who I’m talking about, does it?

It could be:

Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Jessica or Ashlee Simpson, Mary Kate or Ashley Olson (though they’ve retreated back a little bit, thank God)…the list could continue.

But we’re not going to discuss any of those misfits today. It’s the queen of all misfits we’re targeting, Anna Nicole Smith. Hey, remember that reality tv show she had? Me neither.

As I’m sure everyone that has a computer, television, or literacy skills is aware, she passed away several weeks ago in a mysterious fashion. Since that time, she has been catipulted back into a media frenzy and instead of getting real news about what’s happening in the world, we’ve all been subjected to watching a judge (A Freaking Judge!) cry on national television because he was so torn apart with grief over the proceedings. We’ve had to endure the assinine litigation over who got her money. Then a decision was made and the ruling was…THE BABY GETS THE MONEY. Everything solved, everybody happy, right? No, we need another case opened to determine who gets the baby. Another circus show with an inordinate amount of media attention.

Are you ready to get nauseated? I hope you are because here comes the sickening truth…I am the father of Anna Nicole’s baby.

In reality, what sickens me is the fact that Anna Nicole Smith got more media attention than Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John McCain combined on both Fox News and CNN. This is seriously disturbing to someone like me, who has an IQ higher than the number of U.S. cities with a professional baseball team.

Dear America,

Where is your disgust?



Thankfully, now we are closing the books. She’s been laid to rest after being paraded all over and even having her funeral procession stopped by the police. The death has been ruled an accidental overdose. Let’s examine what she was taking and then make our determination as to whether or not we agree with this theory…

Toxic, lethal drug:
• Chloral Hydrate

Therapeutic drugs:
• Diphenhydramine (Benadryl, an antihistamine)
• Clonazepam (Klonopin, anti-seizure drug, also used for panic attacks)
• Diazepam (Valium, used to treat anxiety)
• Nordiazepam (metabolite, produced in digestion of diazepam)
• Temazepam (metabolite, also produced during digestion of diazepam)
• Oxazepam (used to treat anxiety)
• Lorazepam (Ativan, used to treat anxiety)

Other drugs:
• Atropine (a drug used in resuscitation)
• Topiramate (Topomax, used to treat seizures, migraines, and sometimes
used as weight control drug)
• Ciprofloxacin (Cipro, an antibiotic)
• Acetaminophen (like Tylenol)

I have seriously been to pharmacies with less of a selection. But they’ve ruled out suicide because of the amount of Chloral Hydrate left in the bottle. Thanks to help of pdr.net, the end all/be all of drug information I have discovered that you don’t have to swallow the whole bottle to die. It’s actually much less. I’m not saying she committed suicide via overdose, and it may very well have been accidental but their logic is equivalent to saying that a dead guy with a bullet-wound in his head and and a smoking gun didn’t kill himself because there were still 5 loaded in the gun. Her drug regiment may even rival that of Keith Richards or Ozzy, and that’s a frightening thought for a woman of her age.

Let us now all come together, hold hands, and pray that we can put this tragedy behind us and get on with our lives somehow. I just miss her so much, and I know you do also. But we’ll cope, somehow, some way.

Maybe we’ll allow ourselves to be distracted by insignificant things like Alberto Gonzales firing U.S. attorneys, or terrorism/kidnapping in the Phillippines, or the Rumsfeld torture case. Maybe.

Don’t get me wrong, I have little to no problem with celebrity news and celebrity gossip. If something happens and it’s noteworthy, write about it in your magazines, show it on tv, post it on the internet. I have no problem with news. When the lives of people who shouldn’t even be famous…cough cough…Paris Hilton…cough cough, become more covered than Presidential candidates speeches, I have a problem, and I hope that you do also. Once a month it’s okay to indulge in the guilty pleasure of following a celebrity in and out of the revolving doors of rehab in the Bahamas. But it’s really not something I need covered on the every news station for weeks.

I’m hoping celebrities are like bees. Did your mother ever tell you, when bees were buzzing around you as a child, that if you just ignored them that they would leave you alone? Mine certainly did, and for the most part it works. You get stung a few times, sure, that’s part of life, but you’re much better off letting them do their thing and not paying any attention to them. It’s much easier to coexist that way. Thus my plea to America is to stop paying attention to annoying celebrities, and only pay attention to the ones with talent.

I’ve ranted enough. Bottom Line: don’t buy STAR magazine.


Filed under News


  1. I have to say, it’s probably pretty difficult to make it through a whole bottle of Chloral Hydrate, even if you want to die. Probably not a great flavor, even with the “new & improved fruit punch flavor”.

  2. Paul

    Kinda reminds of the family guy ipecac scene. Only with the death and stuff, ya know?

  3. Simon

    You insensitive, moronic, jack ass, if you’re so obsessed about the space in your pitiful little magazines, then go buy something else, jerk. Anna rocked.

  4. you

    oh anna rocked? im sure you mustve known her personally then, and arent just saying that because you enjoyed downloading video clips of her taking her clothing off for money. because that rocks. but go ahead, keep perpetuating a system where people are valued based on their ability to look good wearing nothing and the more vapid and useless you are to society the more highly esteemed by the ignorant generation of youth that we are now. insensitive? youre the insensitive one for claiming she had value because she…what…was so entertaining on her reality TV show in which she was so drugged up for most of them she probably cant remember half the episodes? nah that cant be it. she mustve rocked because she was so articulate with the media and her adoring public (which consists of males aged 14-30). moronic? well sir, i never claimed to be a brainiac but I’m fairly certain that your name calling is jealously manifesting itself in the ugliest of fashions. and jackass? well you got me on that one. i can be a real jackass, so i guess you win.
    thanks for the comments though, conflict and opposing ideals are what internet posting is all about. cheers.

  5. our way to beautiful gir. Stacy Fabian.

  6. I haven’t been up to much lately. Eh. I just don’t have anything to say right now. I’ve pretty much been doing nothing worth mentioning. That’s how it is. I haven’t gotten anything done.

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