I laughed so hard I cried. This article is an absurd tale about the life (specifically the life outside the law) of rap superstar Snoop Doggy Dogg. Here are just a few of my favorite quotes with my own opinions on them spliced in…
“A stone-faced Snoop Dogg pleaded no contest to felony gun and drug charges Wednesday, avoiding what could have been a years-long prison sentence.”
What a great way to open the piece. The headline talks of drugs and you lead with a beautiful double entendre. It really leaves the reader wondering, was he really stoned, or was he just contrite. I’m gonna go with the former. The day I hear that Snoop apologized for smoking reefer I’ll lose my faith in natural absolutes.
“The judge also ruled that Snoop Dogg could not have any gang members in his entourage, must provide authorities a DNA sample and must have a medical permit if he uses marijuana.”
Can you picture a distinguished member of the bench looking over the ledge, gavel in hand and saying “Mr. Dogg, from hereon out, no gang-bangers of any kind can be intermingled in your entourage. Oh, and if you’re smoking that marijuana you best be real sick, sir, real sick”. Sorry Johnny Drama, looks like you’re stuck with Vinny. Now what can I possibly say about the second half of the Judge’s ruling that would be funnier than the ruling itself? I can’t wait to see what Snoop produces in his defense for that one. I’m sure somewhere along the line he let a nerdy doctor shake it up with some of the hoochies in a music video, probably What’s My Namein exchange for a diagnosis of glaucoma. Not that I blame the guy; if i had the power to wield prescription pads I might abuse it also.
“The rapper caused a sensation when he arrived in a fur-collared black leather jacket, T-shirt and sequined jeans, and teenagers shrieked as he came down a hallway to the courtroom.”
Remember when teenagers were shrieking for the New Kids on the Block? Or Hanson? I Bet Ma and Pa are really missing Jordan Knight and Joey McIntyre right now. But hey, at least he had the respect to show up to Court dressed in a suit…sorta…well he had a shirt under a jacket and pants, I guess that’s where the similarities end. I guess when you have the unfaltering support of rap fans, all the money you could ever want, and 3 more pounds of weed the cops didn’t find in their search it really doesn’t matter how you dress for Court, does it?
“Defense attorney Donald Etra said outside the court that Snoop Dogg smokes marijuana because he has migraines and has a medical permit under state law.”
Ha HA! No, seriously, I bet his head hurts real bad. All that pressure of getting arrested so many times for drug possession would drive anyone to…drugs…wouldn’t it?
“‘Snoop’s position is he wants to give children and teenagers an example to follow,’ Etra said of the football league.”
Let’s take just a moment and examine that claim. If you will look on the article on the left side of the page, you’ll see that little section marked “Related Stories” you’ll see Snoop Dogg Charged in California as well as Snoop held by Swedish Authorities and finally Snoop dogged by UK Visa Rejection. I’m sure he really wants to be a good example to the kids and these are just a series of massive misunderstandings. Cops in California have a reputation for hating on the African American community, so that one was probably racially motivated. Snoop probably tried to sneak out a few too many Swedish fish and those funny Swedes probably just didn’t want the market to get too saturated. He was just trying to drive the prices down so the kids could enjoy a quality product at an affordable cost. Bringing candy to children really defines the persona of this humanitarian. And the UK visa rejection? Clearly he was out to eat and didn’t realize that particular credit card had been maxed out while dining on some Fish and Chips in Liverpool, he handed over the discover card and everything was cool. In addition, wasn’t one of his first hits “Murder was the case”a song explicitly referencing murder charges he got while involved in a gang shooting? I want my kids to grow up just like uncle Snoop. God, sometimes journalists really just go way too far to discredit role models, don’t you think?
“Snoop Dogg also faces separate felony charges stemming from a security screener’s discovery of a collapsible baton in his computer bag at John Wayne Airport in Orange County, California, on September 27.
Authorities allege the baton was a dangerous weapon. Snoop Dogg has said it was a prop for a video he was filming in New York, and he pleaded not guilty.”
I remember that video, I think he used in a clip where his gang member entourage beat a cop senseless…that wasn’t it? You have to be seriously deranged to think that this day and age you’re gonna get a collapsible baton through airport security with that weak ass story. Shame on you, you have smoked yourself stupid Mr. Dogg.
I love the man’s music, but wow. At some point you need to stop pretending you want to be a role model and accept yourself for what you really are, a pot smoking, cop hating, extravagant lifestyle living, rap/hip hop icon. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with Snoop being Snoop, but if you’re gonna be yourself don’t try to dress it up. No one is buying your albums because you’re a role model, people are buying your albums because deep down, every one of us likes to think about living your absurd lifestyle, and beating cops with collapsible batons.
Snoop Dogg, I salute you as an artist, one of the few rappers out there whose work I actually still like and think is creative, but please stop a) getting arrested for doing things that are stupid, you want guns and drugs, keep them in the house, don’t smoke and drive wielding your AK, b) pretending that you could ever be a role model for the next generation, and c) doggin’ me man, you know you owe me that $20. Ain’t like you gonna miss it son.