Self-Help: the Ninja

Alright ladies and gentlemen, this week we’re going to explore the ins and outs of becoming one of the most feared warriors in history: the ninja. What makes a ninja a ninja? Who can become a ninja? What are the steps to becoming a ninja? Which ninja myths can be trusted and which are malarkey? and so on. By the time you’re finished reading, you will have the wherewithall to embark on your own spirit quest for enlightenment and stealthy assassination missions.

I know you’re salivating, I know you can’t wait to get to the meat, but bear with me while I’m legally bound to make the following disclaimer:

DISCLAIMER: Neither Mr. Thursday nor any of his affiliates, friends, writers, acquaintances, family members, pets, co-workers, or aliens within his gates can be held in anyway liable for any malicious, devious, ill-conceived, harmful, dangerous, illegal, malfeasant, or idiotic actions which any reader may attempt following appraisal and evaluation of the data contained below. This data is for personal use and is not, under any condition, to be shared with anyone who has a penchant for violence, a chemical imbalance, exaggerated testosterone levels, an overactive adrenal gland, a mean-spirited disposition, or scowls a lot. There is no 100% guarantee on the effectiveness of following the steps as any particular reader may fit the exclusion criteria and not even fully be aware of it at any given time. The author also disavows any personal knowledge or interaction with any ninjas themselves, or anyone who has ever claimed to have been at any time or even known at any time a real ninja, plenty of posers though. The following are all creations from the mind of a being far superior in intellect to you (me), and that is why the reader should read, attempt to comprehend as best he or she can, and meditate on the following teachings for years before actually ever attempting to complete any of the steps. The author also disavows any belief in the occult, magic, love-at-first-sight, bigfoot, million dollar bills, happily-ever-after, and the loch ness monster.

And now, for the show:


The ninja mindset is without a doubt the most important element of becoming a ninja. If you couldn’t figure this out on your own, just give up, it’ll never happen, you’re a lost cause. The ninja mindset is difficult to attain, and even more difficult to master. It requires the ability to switch it on and off. If one was to be in a ninja mindset 24/7, the behavior changes would be too evident and it would defeat the whole purpose of the ninja mindset. It needs to be cultivated in a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde sense. One needs to be able to appear the same as always, but at the blink of eye enter in a mindset of complete stealth, insane focus, the agility of a gazelle, and a massive jonezing for good sushi.

There are many theories on how to attain, control, and effectively use this mindset. There are some who say you must climb mountains by yourself to find your inner peace, there are some who insist that a strict regiment of intense meditation is the only way. There are some who believe that you are simply born with it and that each person has to find their own way to unlock it. None of these are correct.

To get into the mindset of the ninja, you must first access a computer. This cannot be just any computer, but must be a computer connected to the internet (stay with me here). This should not be an issue since you are reading this page right now. Open whatever web browser that is equipped to that computer and direct your browser to go to THIS IS THE ONLY REAL WAY TO GET INTO THE MINDSET OF THE NINJA. YOU MUST READ EVERY STORY, VIEW EVERY CLIP, SCRUTINIZE EVERY WORD, ANALYZE EVERY DETAIL. In this way, and only in this way, can you fully understand what it means to be a ninja.


This is usually the best part of being a ninja. All ninjas know that only wusses use guns, a ninja’s weaponry arsenal is small but effective:

Throwing Stars
Martial Arts

Depending on the video-game ninja you wanna be, you can either unrealistically carry all of these at once and equip them based on the enemy you’re fighting, or you can be more lifelike and realize that you can basically have a primary weapon, a secondary weapon, and maybe, if they’re small enough, a few pointy stars to chuck at people who really really deserve it. A true ninja knows that the greatest strength lies in the mind. That’s why ninjas have ESP or telepathy, always. If you don’t develop either of these skills, sorry, you’re just not ninja material. Jean Grey? Ninja. Charles Xavier? Ninja. Ms. Cleo, the Jamaican woman who can commune with the dead? Ninja. You get the picture. Ninja’s also utilize surprise as often as possible. You can tell a ninja prospect from early ages by looking at which of your childhood friends always wanted to throw surprise parties. If that kid goes on, he could become a ninja if he can learn how to read minds.

You must remember that the use of your weapons always has to be silent. You cant ever make noise, that’s a no-no in the ninja club and they might pull your membership if you make a racket while ninja-ing.


There was a myth propagated by Chris Farley in Beverly Hills Ninja that one can be grotesquely overweight and still be a ninja, this is unabashedly false and a complete fabrication. Being a ninja means doing death defying stunts and tricks on a daily basis, you need to be able to do at least 100 pull ups, run 50 miles, swim 10 miles, throw a baseball 410 feet, hold your breath for 6 minutes, throw the shot-put 50′, and standing long jump over 11′, all at once. You dont need to look like Arnold in Pumping Iron, but you should be able to whoop up on everyone you meet, and look good while doing it, also you shouldn’t break into a sweat. Sweating isn’t becoming of a ninja. So sorry, no chris farley’s, rest in peace.


It’s generally accepted among the ninja community that if you’re out ninja-ing, you’re wearing black. There is an age-old dispute, however, about whether or not there must be a black head covering where only the eyes are visible. Some prefer it, others find it constraining. So I’m gonna make a ruling right now, you MUST wear the black head wrap UNLESS you have a really badass scar on somewhere visible on your face that would be hindered by the wrap. Ninjas being the end all be all of badassness, nothing should be done to diminish the aura of badassity which emanates from their shockra…or something like that. So wear the black headgear, unless you’ve got a totally sweet scar, and if the headgear is really annoying, next time you’re out get into a fight and taunt someone by letting them slide your face, that’ll not only freak the holy hell outta them, but you won’t have to wear the black thing anymore, it’s a win/win.


Every ninja has to abide by the ninja code. This should come as no surprise after a mere preponderance. Look at pirates, they have a code, you can’t hurt someone who claims the right of parlay, and other such rules. Ignoring the fact that pirates code is more of a guideline than a real set of strict rules you get the idea. Also you can compare it to such everyday activities as crashing weddings, see? There are codes of behavior for all sorts of things. Like crashing weddings, the ninja code is not nor could ever be written down, it is instead telepathically given to each ninja (now do you see why ESP and telepathy are so important?). Perfect adherence to the code is paramount, and you will be asked to turn in your ninja stars and kitana if the code is violated in even the slightest point. Ninjadom requires complete and perfect obedience. Which isn’t a problem because the ninja code allows for lots of things you wouldn’t really expect: strip clubs, beer, chicken wings, tequila, amphetamines, unprotected sex, merciless decapitations for no reason…ad nauseam. Really the only thing you can’t do is juggle. Though every ninja possesses the ability, no ninja is ever permitted to juggle, it is cause for immediate disaninjiation.


The fact that you are a ninja is to be kept completely secret from everyone except other ninjas, that means no girlfriends, no family members, no hookers, no bosses, not even your landlady or garbageman can know. They should not even suspect because you should have total control of your ninja mindset. This is not the MIB, people should not forget that you ever existed, instead they should have no idea that anything has changed. You’re like spiderman, something happened to you, but no one can know about it, the only difference is no telling mary jane marijuanaface. Its easiest to go out and do your ninja stuff at night, clearly, because your black suit will blend into the background, but it not always convenient or feasible to accomplish your tasks at night. Should you be required to be out during the day it is imperative that no one see you, ever, unless you plan to kill them before they can tell a soul. You should be moments away from killing yourself if you happen to look into a mirror for fear of being discovered.


There are a few things you should really know about the history of ninjas. Ninjas are responsible for most of the famous events in history. The 1965 New York Blackout wasn’t a power surge, a ninja just ran all over New York City turning people’s lights off. Japan surrendered in World War II because a ninja parachuted into Hiroshima and Nagasaki, sweet irony. A ninja parted the Red Sea so the Israelites could walk across, there are arguments about how he managed to do this, but I for one believed he just ran back and forth so quick across the top the wind from his sprinting pushed the water back. The fall of the Roman Empire was caused by 2 ninjas who got tired of listening to a dude who wore tree leaves in his hair. I could go on forever.


Ninjas are not known for adhering to any sort of honor code. Kill whoever you want, whenever you want, however you want, just don’t get caught.


You could probably take him, but it’d be a close fight. I still wouldn’t touch Arnold though.


If you happen to be any sort of animal, like say…a turtle, or a rat, that has been mutated in some sort of ooze, these rules do not apply to you. You can pretty much do whatever you want and it’ll work out.

If your last name ends in -moto, you’re from a good lineage and have some legacy which may help you out. Conversely, if you’re in the Williams family, we’ve had trouble with your ancestors juggling and you’ve kinda been barred, sorry, tough luck, there’s always the way of the samurai.

So that’s it. You’re ready to take on entire cities and lay waste to entire populations. Follow these steps carefully, always keep your focus and your wits about you, and remember, ninjas always support booze-day Tuesday.


Filed under How To

14 responses to “Self-Help: the Ninja

  1. Everyone, and I mean everyone knows that a pirate would dominate a ninja.

  2. Hey, funny article!

    This links on my site might interest you:

    This is a video of a Ninja Demonstration in Iga where many Ninja came from:

    This is my mockumentary on how Ninja were behind the downfall of Enron:

    Here’s a pop culture essay on the rise and fall of the Ninja in American Pop Culture:

  3. summer

    *slices person who said a pirate would doiminate a ninja*….. yay! nijas!=D

  4. Ninja

    A yuppie, diseased gosa pirate would never stand a chance to a Ninja. Anyone can be a pirate at any time, but Ninjas are born Ninjas, and use the forces of the supernatural, and knowledge of the universe to aide them in their tactics. How could anyone stand up to that? Certainly NOT a pirate. Pirates…no, they wouldn’t stand a gorram chance against a Ninja.

    …Sorry pal, but in the end, it looks like NINJAS PWN!

  5. Joe

    ok, 1. its katana, not kitana
    2. ninjas dont use katanas, samurai do

  6. Ceeber

    Chris Farley was and continues to be the ultimate Ninja for just the reasons you mention he can’t….he was overweight,thus making his ninja skills all the more supernatural. Doubt me? Watch the SNL Chippendales tryout against Swayze….that ain’t nuthin but Ninja there, boy.
    And a Pirate Farley? fuggeddaboudit, he’d rule the world.

  7. Paul

    dear joe,
    are you a ninja? i didn’t think so.

  8. najashi

    Nice. I like your style…somewhat jealous of your Ninja knowledge, but complemented that we share a similar passion for all things Ninja.

  9. Error: Code 10001EE1100

    You know nothing of the ninja way my friend!
    Nor how they work, what they do, who they are.
    This may be a joke, considering it is, you should be dead. Us Ninjas and Kunoichis alike mainly work as unknown mercenarys, primarily helping the good. Yet, we will kill anyone if paid. Then, there are the ninjas that form small alliances. They aren’t to much of ninjas, since we keep to ourselves. There are not public schools, Only masters. There is almost no code.
    You must be sure not to let anyone know anything, it’s like you do not exist. Some ninjas are stray. They do what they want. I myself, am a mercenary, I cannot release anymore information. I agree with you on the, ahem “shockra” how you say. We do have a spiritual essence, but it is nothing like the townsfolk say.

    I have said to much
    My clumsiness will be my death.
    Master will not tolerate my trait of correcting others

  10. Spawny1

    Dude your an idiot an this article is almot completly wrong

  11. jin

    actualy.. ninjas dont kill just whoever and stuff like that.. but lol.. theres the stealthy assasin shadow point of view, and that of ninjas being totally slaughtering… and the site ? the kid who wrote it doesn’t seem to know a thing bout Ninja…
    but anyhow, im in for anything and anyone for ninja !

  12. LOL! Considering that this is supposed to be a joke entry, it’s pretty good.

  13. your grammar is among the worst I have ever witnessed. Nothing you say can be taken seriously. That is all.

  14. not you way of ninja, i was talking about spawny1

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