Nutter Wins Race, Philadelphia Declared ‘Utopia”

Michael Nutter is Philadelphia’s mayor-elect, defeating Republican opponent Al Taubenberger in what could have been described as a clean, but unfair, fight.  Nutter gathered 83% of the votes, which comes in shallow of the hoped-for 85%, but it bests the Philadelphia mayor’s race record, set by Ed Rendell in 1995 (77%). 

Naturally, upon his election, criminals have lined up in front of police houses to turn themselves in, picking up street trash on their way.  Bill Gates has cut a check for one-point-five jillion dollars for “Like, Philadelphia schools, and shit”; construction workers all over the city have begun to build classrooms that are green, energy efficient, and even without teachers, are able to give children a high school education by the age of 11.  SEPTA has decided to put solar panels on all their regional rail trains, which not only power the trains, but provide extra energy which SEPTA has sold back to the power grid, and that money has been invested to improve the city’s public transit infrastructure.  It is now possible to go from the Philadelphia International Airport to the Italian Market for a hoagie, and then to the Grey Lodge in Wissinoming for a drink from the firkin in under 3 minutes (16 miles).  The city’s “citywide Internet hotspot” now works.  Donovan McNabb has been possessed by the ghost of Joe Montana.  The Phillies have traded Michael Bourn for Johan Santana and Greg Golson for Scott Kazmir.  The city of Philadelphia is now subsidizing public health care plans for all city residents.  Camden has been annexed and is now called “East Philly”, and south Jersey has likewise become the “southeast suburbs”.  The next Olympics will be in Philadelphia, as will every Olympics after it.  Comcast is now providing ESPNU, but no one will watch it.  The crack in the Liberty Bell has been mended.


Lots of problems for Nutter to deal with.  I think he’s the right man for the job–I’m not alone in this, obviously–but hopefully he’ll live up to the hype.


1 Comment

Filed under News, Philadelphia, Politics

One response to “Nutter Wins Race, Philadelphia Declared ‘Utopia”

  1. Katie

    I really wish that this was the case.

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