Tag Archives: Pirates

Self-Help: the Pirate

Yeah, yeah, we all knew it was coming. We did the ninja, and it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the next one will be the rockstar. It takes some of the fun out of it for me knowing that you readers out there expect these now, so stop harassing me about doing them and lets make it fun again…for me…because who really cares about you anyway? Not me…I don’t give a rat’s teet in heck about you. Anyway.

So, the Pirate.

For as long as pirates and ninjas have existed there has been the argument about who would win in a fight, the pirate, or the ninja. I am not here today to answer that question. It’s not my concern if your pathetic life hinges that far on nerddom that you seriously have arguments about this. I’m here to coach you into becoming the best pirate you can be, not feed into your anti-social awkward behavior. If you get into serious discussions about who would win these hypothetical conflicts, then you are neither a ninja, nor a pirate, and thus not interesting to me and I don’t care to speak to you. For those of you interested in becoming a pirate, read on.

You can just skip the next paragraph, it’s legally mandated but of no use to anyone…

DISCLAIMER: Mr. Thursday and any and all of his affiliates, writers, editors, friends, countrymen, Romans, imaginary friends, luck dragons, ligers, entourage, pets, or habitual line steppers are not in anyway/shape/ or form liable for any acts of piracy, lunacy, idiosyncrasy, or any other cy words that might stem from reading this passage. Mr. Thursday disavows any real, firsthand knowledge of such things as pirates, the following came to him in a comatose dream after hitting his head in the bathroom, directly after discovering the flux capacitor. Mr. Thursday denies that pirates even actually exist, which sucks for you because should you follow the following steps and become a pirate, you will surely become lonely. Mr. Thursday denies that he once held a habenero eating contest in his friends kitchen that sent 3 boys crying to the freezer to eat as much ice cream and chug as much milk as they could. Mr. Thursday also denies ever intentionally wearing a zap collar through an electric fence to see how far he could get. Mr. Thursday denies the moon landing. Mr. Thursday believes in ghosts, but believes they are merely still here because they have unfinished business. Mr. Thursday believes heartily in zombies, and you should to, before it’s too late. Mr. Thursday does not, however, believe in pixies, fairies (except for…the other kind), nymphs, goblins, trolls, dryads, or man-eating cicadas. Finally, Mr. Thursday denies that everyone and everything is anything more than a figment of his imagination and wholeheartedly affirms that the Earth sits on the back of a giant sea-turtle.

On to the looting and pillaging and whatnot.

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